What does shut the front door mean?

10 Creative Ways To Express Your “Inner F-Bomb”

Welcome to Thoughty Thursday here at More Cowbell! This is the day y’all get an open window into the twisty tunnels of trivial things that litter my brain.

Today’s topic (in case you hadn’t guessed) is swearing. Baby Girl is close enough to speech that it’s time to pay better attention to my own and, well, hmmm…

I’m sure you’ve noticed that (periodically) I swear. I think about everyone does, at least when things aren’t going smoothly. Well, OK…everyone but my Aunt Sherry who taught kindergarten for 30+ years.

If you’re like ME, you try your best not to swear, but there are just times when only the blue words will work. On those occasions, they let out j-u-u-u-s-t enough steam to keep me from blowing my stack.

If you’re like my Aunt Sherry, curse words are a rare, almost extinct kind of occurrence. (We all had our mouths hanging open the ONE TIME she called my cousin Aaron “a creep.” Although at that age, he really was one.)

For still others in my circle of family and friends, it’s not uncommon for strangers to approach them and ask “if they kiss their mother with that mouth?!!”

I’ll confess to being in the middle of the Blue Words Super Highway.

If I’m in pain, or the PMS Fairy comes to visit me, it’s pretty likely I’m gonna turn the air blue with some juicy gooey-delicious swear words. I just am.

But I try to refrain. And I don’t swear around the oldest or youngest populations (or my Aunt Sherry). It just feels…wrong, and kind of disrespectful.

One thing that’s really helping my current Clean Mouth Campaign is that I’m related to SO many creatively clean potty mouths. I’ve got TONS of funny variety to help me stay on the non-swearing side of the street.

For example, I’ve got my “non-cursing” brother who says things like:

  • “Listen, Fartknocker!” when his fellow drivers upset him. (translation: A-hole)
  • Or “Dude, YOU are just a turtleneck with ears!” (translation: “Dickhead!”)
  • Rude salespeople will earn choice phrases like, “That guy shoulda been a belly shot” or “What a waste of a good swimmer.”
  • Then there’s my very favorite way he describes “white trash”: “Sis, this place was supposed to be a ‘resort’ but it was ‘Whiskey Tango’ Central over there.”

Really, my whole family has the knack:

  • My cousin Carrie, when she’s pissed off at her hubby, yells: “Well God BLESS!” in a super funny-scary voice. Or “Two tears in a bucket…” (Cause “bucket” rhymes with “f*c% it!”) She kills me every time she says it.
  • Another cousin’s way to call you an idiot is to say, “You need Jesus.”
  • Computer dude cousins reference their boneheaded end-users as “having an I D 10 T Error” (pronounced “eye-dee-ten-tee, ” which is easily translated on paper.
  • My mother’s most frequent warning, when I was getting close to THE LINE was to say, “Jennifer Jo…” (in that spooky voice ALL parents seem to master). She’d follow it up with, “You’re tap dancing on my last nerve!!!”
  • And when I was about to cross the point of no return into DEEP doo-doo, she’d say “Are we gonna have a donkey barbecue?” (That would be an “ass chewin’.”)

There’s the ever popular “Shut the front door!” (I don’t have to translate that, right?)

Plus, I grew up in a neighborhood where, if you weren’t black, you were Jewish (I am neither) so I’ve got a creative arsenal of Yiddish words to help me out. “Schmuck” is my all-time favorite way to call someone “a stupid tiny peckerhead.” (List of .)

But I’d say my MOST preferred way to cleanly drop the F-Bomb, adopted by one of my Besties and adored by everyone in my circle, is to say:

“FOCUS, people!” or “You need to focus!!”

Just a liiiiiittle further…..

OK, this should be far enough for y’all to have shooed your youngers and elders away:

Fuck

Off

Cuz

Ur

Stupid

What’s the most creative swearing being done in your neck of the woods? Do you have any “clean” delights to share? We’re aiming for words and phrases we can say in front of Grandma without making her keel over. (Enquiring minds always want to know these things here at More Cowbell!)


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